Her Life
by deafening
Summary: [AxC]She had given up her life for a nation that didn't deserve it, and most of all, didn't appreciate it. A story about regrets, guilt, and finally finding love with your one and only soulmate.


-

Her Life 

-

It was safe for her to say that she had no life. Yes; she could breathe. She could eat, work, hang out with her friends, and do normal things that people her age did.

But what was the point of it all if she couldn't share it with him?

She'd gotten married for the good of her people. She'd destroyed her own life, and her own future. She could have spoken up; chosen her own fate. She couldn't blame anybody.

If anyone was the culprit, only she was.

-

2 years later, Monday, 12:53 pm 

He had returned to ORB. He hadn't come to see her yet, but he had returned. Would he come see her? He had driven away the day before her marriage, wishing her happiness. He had left her with his ring; his love; his loyalty. She'd loved him back; he'd known that. But still, he'd left, all because of her choice, her obligation, and her duty.

He'd left for the PLANTs. He'd said he could make a difference there. Hell, he could make a difference everywhere he went. With a smile that could light up the whole of ORB, with eyes so intoxicating... he could be the most evil of people, and he would still be able to make a difference.

Well, that much was obvious. Evil people often made differences.

It really was funny how everyone expected her to be happy with Jona. Everyone predicted a happy and stress-free life for her. Everyone expected wrong.

That much as well, was obvious.

-

Later that day, 6:30 pm 

He'd come to visit her. With his hair still that gorgeous shade of blue, with those emerald-like eyes; he'd come back.

He smiled politely as she entered the room, looking almost suffocated. " Cagalli. You've been well, I presume?"

She nodded in return and smiled politely as well. "Yes. Thank you."

They'd acted like that all evening. She was the Head Representative of ORB; the wife of the leader of ORB. He was the highest-ranking official in the PLANT's Supreme Council. They couldn't risk getting "chummy".

She noticed that he had no wedding ring. No engagement band. Not even a tanning line. Had he stayed a bachelor all this while?

They talked about business. They talked about ORB, and the PLANTs and possible mergers in the near future.

They not once, talked about her married life to Jona.

Before he left, he asked her to meet him at the ORB Memorial Park, the next day, at 4:00 pm.

She agreed.

-

Tuesday, 3:30 pm 

Hell, she was nervous.

She couldn't remember when she'd ever been this nervous; not even the day of her marriage. What should she wear? Was it formal of casual? She guessed that if he was still the same man he used to be, he wouldn't care; so she grabbed a red T-shirt, and a pair of jeans -- the cargo pants wouldn't fit her anymore; maybe she'd changed.

-

Tuesday, 4:00 pm

He was right on time…as usual. She'd loved that about him. Hell, she'd loved everything about him.

He smiled widely when she entered the park. What was that supposed to mean; no more facades?

"Cagalli... gorgeous as always."

In response, she laughed a short, bitter, sarcastic, laugh. Her, gorgeous? Miriallia was gorgeous. Lacus was gorgeous. Murrue was gorgeous. She was not gorgeous. She was run-of-the mill ordinary... plain. Her golden-amber eyes, which had once been so expressive, were now cold, and lifeless. The lips that had smiled so often were now glued into a thin, straight line. She had lost all the extra weight on her, making her look like a twig, and a very skinny one at that. She wasn't gorgeous.

He looked at her disapprovingly after she re-iterated over and over that she wasn't gorgeous, but he dropped the subject.

He asked her about Jona and married life: Was it everything everyone else said? That exhilarating thrill, that joy of being with the one—

Cagalli cut his speech short and declared that yes; her life was bloody brilliant and couldn't get any better.

Was it any surprise that he wasn't fooled?

Not one bit.

He could always read her inside and out. He knew when she lying, he knew when she was happy; he fucking knew everything about her.

"Cagalli?"

She'd somehow always known that her own name would betray her.

She broke down and cried.

-

"Everyday," Cagalli started, almost whispering, "every-fucking-day I get put on my uniform and go to another day of _brilliant _work."

The sarcasm wasn't hard to spot.

But she continued. "Those scars…They've been there so long now I don't even remember why they're there. They've become a part of me; a part of me that I want to forget, but can't because I'm still alive."

"Jona _hit_ you?" Athrun asked, incredulously, unbelieving. "And no one noticed?"

"Well, it's not like he broadcasts it live. He's—unfortunately--smarter than that. "

"Why didn't you tell anyone? Kira, Lacus, Dearka…hell, Yzak! Anyone! You have all these people all around you, and they care about you…and you have me, and I'd have killed that bastard, but you just---" He was rambling.

"Exactly." She was calm, her voice never wavering, never dying. "Let's not pretend, Athrun," she said bitterly. "I knew that there would never be any love. It was all my choice, remember? I ruined my whole life. He just wanted power when he married me, and now he's got power--"

"You could have told us!" Athrun exploded, gripping her shoulders and shaking her. "Why did you not?"

"Because he would hurt anyone I told." Still, she was calm. "Whom was I supposed to tell then? I wasn't going to put the people I love in danger. All that fucking power…"

"So you just sat there like a sheep and took it all in. Since when have you been intimidated by petty threats? We could have taken care of ourselves. You shouldn't have worried about us," he yelled, his face livid with anger.

And then she broke again. "I don't know," Cagalli whimpered into her hands. "What did I have to keep living for? I've been in two wars! I've seen more than enough people die. I've seen the other father figure I know commit suicide for a stupid nation that doesn't even appreciate it. All those people died…Why should I be any better than them and have the right to keep living?"

"So all those dreams; they don't exist anymore? What about your future?"

"What future?" she yelled. "The one that we gained by mass genocide and war? Are we supposed to feel special knowing that we killed hundreds of people just so we could live? What about those people, Athrun? They have no future," she stressed. "Their families…We gained this future by murder, Athrun. Nothing changes that stupid little _fact,_ no matter how much I don't want it to be true."

He was quiet for a minute, as though taking it all in. "We stopped the killing, Cagalli. We really did. And yes, we had to kill," he said, noticing the look she was giving him, "but we still stopped it all. We're the reason there's peace today. You should be proud that you were such a big part of it. Please…Just tell me why you didn't tell anyone. You weren't the kind of woman—you still aren't--to be so easily intimidated. Lacus told me that you don't even visit them anymore. She misses you. Everyone does. Cagalli, why?"

"Because! I wanted happiness. I wanted a family. I wanted children," she yelled, so loud that the birds in the neighbouring trees took off with a screech. "I wanted love. Do you know how much it pains me when I see them so happy? I'm glad that they have all this love in their lives, but I want some of it too, but I'll never get any, because Jona is a bastard who hates anything sugary and nice."

He was astounded. The Cagalli he'd known…She'd have never expressed something so…personal that loud. It really was strange how much a person could change in a couple of years. "Cagalli--"

"I don't need your pity," she whispered, calm again—almost cold. "I don't need your damn sympathy and I don't need people pretending to care about me," she said bitterly, turning away from him.

"Cagalli," Athrun started firmly, grabbing her hand, and turning her around so that she was facing him again. "I don't pity you. Really. I don't. You're one of the strongest women I know, and you don't need my pity. I know that you can beat this, and you'll be okay…But I just want to know…I want to know if there is any chance of us ever being together. I…I'm here for you; I hope you know that. I can wait as long as you want me to…"

"Cagalli--," he was about to repeat, when she threw herself at him. Athrun (honestly) considered whether this was some kind of abnormal punishment, when he realized that she was hugging him.

"You're a moron," she said, kicking him, and none-too-gently at that. "You couldn't look me in the face once when saying that. Honestly, you've been in two wars, and confessing your feelings to someone who returns it is that hard."

"You're killing the mood," Athrun replied cheekily, but he hugged her back none-the-less. "So are you just going to hug me or are you actually going to promise breaking off the marriage?"

"Do I actually need to promise?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

"Cagalli?"

"That's me."

"I'll protect you as long as you need me to. I... I promise."

"I know."

-

Epilogue 

Athrun, Kira, Murrue, Miriallia, Yzak, Dearka, and hell--even Lacus joined in to team up on Jona, and hurt him; enough to make him resign from the position of leader of ORB, and restore the position to its rightful owner: Cagalli. They all then reprimanded Cagalli for not telling them, but forgave her, when she threw a party for everyone in the colony of ORB.

Three weeks later, Athrun Zala, and Cagalli Yula Attha were joined in holy matrimony.

Currently, Mrs. Zala is at home taking care of their first child, and expecting the second.

And well…they had their ups and downs. There was that time Athrun 'accidentally' called Cagalli fat, and how she 'accidentally' kneed him. And then there was…

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that they lived happily ever after; or however close you were allowed to get to it.

_-_

___Gundam Seed/Destiny © Sunrise, Mitsuo Fukuda, Yoshiyuki Tomino, etc._

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End file.
